- i was 11 the first time i watched my favorite movie (dr. strangelove). my dad and i sat on his couch in our pyjamas with two salad-bowl sized containers of popcorn while his cats sat to my left. i laughed ~3 times a minute. my favorite time watching my favorite movie was two years ago with my ex boyfriend. it was the first time i had ever been to his house and he recently admitted a lot of personal things to me. i felt 'connected' to him. his cat was running back and forth in the apartment and i almost tripped over it twice. he told me her name was kitty and i was offended that he didn't bother to give her a proper name, so i decided to call her lucy. seems like a shitty thing to do in retrospect sort of. we each sat on separate chairs and didn't touch each other for the whole movie. we both laughed steadily throughout. he told me it was his favorite movie and i told him it was mine too, but immediately regretted it because i was afraid he would think i was just saying that as an excuse to have something in common. when the movie ended he asked me to sleep over
- my first kiss was at the river heights community center dance in the 5th grade. i was 'dating' a boy named eric cameron who had blonde shaggy hair (feel the need to say 'clearly') and was ~1.5 feet shorter than me. we were slow dancing to 'you're beautiful' by james blunt and eric's hands were 5 inches away above my ass. he leaned up to kiss me and i leaned down. the kiss lasted ~2 seconds and we both kept our mouths closed. afterwards he said 'haha, brb'
- the person i have probably had the most 'intense' romantic feelings for is nathan. we have a 'complicated' relationship. when we first met i wasn't interested in him at all but my feelings for him developed very suddenly. we started seeing each other mid last summer and somehow became inseparable over the course of that time. i was moving to toronto for school in the fall and my parents were moving also, so they sold our house and left after i graduated high school in april, ~2 weeks after nathan and i started seeing each other. i wasn't sure where i was staying for the summer and he asked if i wanted to stay at his apartment so i did. i was surprised that i rarely got bored of him. i felt happy around him ~90% of the time. i was also surprised that his friends seemed to like me and all of my friends liked him. it seemed ridiculous
he and i spent most of our time having sex, watching movies, discussing 'things' generally, listening to music on his speakers late at night. when i left for school we decided to try long distance. it was hard for both of us. i became overbearing and he became distant. we had sex on skype regularly which we both enjoyed and seemed in some ways to be a large part of what kept us together. i surprised him ~2 months after i moved by taking a greyhound bus 30 hours each way to visit him. i arrived early in the morning and turned of his alarm. i sat down on the side of his bed and kissed him on the forehead until he woke up. he told me he loved me while we had sex--i cried. when i went back to toronto things got worse almost immediately. we were sort of 'amplified' versions of ourselves at all times. he would be cruel often and i would take everything he said too seriously. before i went home for christmas i went to puerto rico with my family. we spoke twice during the trip. i was supposed to stay at his apartment when i got home, but he went to his parents and didn't get back in time for when i arrived. i stayed at my friends house for 4 days before he came home. after a long argument on the phone he drove back home and told me he didn't 'feel anything' for me anymore
i felt extremely angry/upset that he didn't tell me earlier. i remember thinking 'coward' repeatedly. i stayed at his house for the next ~1.5 weeks because we decided to try and 'work things out'. i regret doing this. he was almost comically cruel and distant ~97% of the time. i felt depressed 100% of the time. on new years i took mdma and we kissed behind the dj booth when the clock struck 12. he ignored me for the rest of then night. i suspected he was cheating on me/something similar so i went on his gmail. i immediately regretted doing this. i found out he had been 'seeing' someone else for ~2 weeks. i had a panic attack and took 5 mdma caps. i rolled around on the bed uncomfortably for 4 hours. when he came home he turned the lights off and asked me if i was going to die. my dad picked me up for my flight at 5 am and nathan walked me to the door in his boxers and kissed me goodbye . we didn't speak for 5 months afterwards. it took me a long time to 'recover'. i started exercising because of this. we reconciled in the summer at a 5 day outdoor folk music festival. that night we snorted morphine and had sex. he told me a lot of 'personal' things and seemed adamant to go to therapy/improve his life/how he 'treats people' generally. i saw him cry for the first time while watching leon redbone. we continued to sleep together on and off until i left for school this year. we stayed friends. he didn't go to therapy
i am on day 2 of a 10 day fast. i feel hungry, nauseous and lightheaded. i have consumed 2 liters of water today
tonight some friends from winnipeg played a show at a bar called 'the supermarket' in toronto
it felt weird being around them while sober. i haven't been completely sober in ~3 months
i felt genuinely happy for the first time in ~4 months while watching them play
everyone seemed excited to see each other
i was very animated when talking and wanted to touch everyone
i feel some sort of gratification from physically touching people lately
after the show some of us decided to go to my house. we had to carry their instruments back to their hotel and when we got there everyone decided they wanted chinese food. i lied and said i was tired to avoid explaining why i wasn't eating or drinking. i was upset that they decided to go and eat instead of coming to my house but i didn't say anything because it was cold outside and i didn't want them to feel bad
while walking to the subway my phone stopped working because of the cold
an asian couple got on the subway at the same time as me. the boy took out his iphone and started playing music at a low volume, and they both leaned in to listen to it. it offended me that they didn't just sit in silence or talk to each other and listened to drake instead
i just took 1mg ativan and 6mg melatonin
i am watching charlie chaplain videos on youtube
i avoid writing daily because i don't do enough that warrants documentation
this seems easy to fix but i am unmotivated and my life cycles between pushing myself to wake up early to 'create things' and staying in bed until 4pm drinking smoothies and listening to boiler room sets while wishing i was 'that talented'
i have to make a conscious effort to create things continually because i am so easily distracted with the internet. the semester is almost over and i feel like i have accomplished nothing, but i'm not surprised because i anticipated that happening when i chose to return to school
i have had to 'reject' multiple people in the past two weeks
arthur and i did mdma and went to the aquarium. we bought fruit after we took the mdma and ate it while watching sharks and fish swim complacently in circles. i had fun the whole time, and there was never a break in conversation which seems rare. after the aquarium we went to the liquor store and bought wine. then we went to my apartment and looked at things on the internet while listening to mixes. he asked if i wanted to do more mdma and i did, so we 'parachuted' it--but as soon as we did i went to the bathroom and threw up. i felt sick immediately after and continued to for the rest of the night. i'm not sure why i felt like i should take more mdma as i know i don't respond well to multiple doses. we took the subway to a 'secret' party in an art space downtown and i threw up in a garbage can on the way there. when we arrived i still felt sick/overwhelmed by my surroundings. we shared a cigarette in the 'smoking room' because we weren't allowed to leave the party for some reason. i told him i needed to leave because i still felt sick, and he seemed upset. we hugged for ~5 seconds and then transitioned into what i felt was an awkward kiss (esp since i had recently thrown up). i felt irritated that he didn't pay for my ticket to the aquarium/fruit/show, but tried to balance this with his providing of the drugs. i tried to develop romantic feelings for him but i wasn't able to
tonight the fire alarm went off in my apartment and everyone came down to the lobby. there were at least 60 people and everyones energy seemed to be steadily increasing. people were talking to each other about the fire alarm going off and what could have caused it. the firemen that came split into two groups; one went to the 19th floor to check on the problem and the other group stood in a circle in the center of the lobby and talked about tim hortons
an elderly man approached me and asked me what was new. i instinctively started laughing and he walked over to the people next to me. i felt bad but i also didn’t care because he seemed like he had alzheimer and would forget about it momentarily. he asked the people next to me what was new also. after ~6 minutes the fire alarm was turned off and there was a collective audible ‘sigh’ followed by a chuckle from everyone in the lobby
while walking up the stairs to my apartment a noise similar to a fork scraping a saucepan played on the intercom with ~10 seconds of silence. then a fireman spoke and said “hey folks, i’m with the toronto fire investigation and it turns out to be a false alarm. you can all go back to your activities now.”
i tripped on the stairs while passing the 7th floor
when i look at peoples reflections on the train i imagine they are ghosts
i imagine everyone on the train is a ghost and I am stuck on a train full of ghosts
a child is rubbing his nose up and down on the poll and mucus is coating it
he and his dad are both wearing 'toronto maple leafs' jerseys and his dad is holding a foam finger. his dad seems indifferent towards the nose rubbing which seems insane bc his hand is on the poll only ~2.5 cm away from his sons head
will the child or the person who touches it after him acquire more germs? how long will it take for the mucus to dry
i have the worst cramps that i have had in a long time and all i can do is roll around on my bed and moan. i was going to go grocery shopping because i have no food in my house but i can't get up. i almost called my mom but then realized she is in winnipeg. i took 5mg percocet and am waiting for it to kick in while watching keeping up with the kardashians
i had a dream last night that i no longer owned and iphone and instead owned an android. this made me incredibly nervous/upset
i had a dream last night that my mom trapped me in a haunted house with no clothes on
i had a dream last night that i jumped off the cn tower and into the ocean
my moms' cat vomited on the carpet and immediately started eating the vomit
it ate all of the vomit, moved ~3 feet down the hallway and vomited again
this time it isn't eating the vomit
it moved into the study, threw up again, and left
i like the feeling of existing in the social networking atmosphere
right now i feel like sobbing
mostly because of how much love i feel for my friends
i feel like an asshole saying that
i feel like someone that people feel sad looking at
but i am looking at pictures of my friends and i miss them
i hate living in this city and i wish i were somewhere else
the vending machine in the basement of my apartment was re stocked tonight
i am furious and ecstatic
i just realized that i have had 2 solely sexual relationships with curly-haired men of average to low intelligence that play the saxophone
my experience with the mcrib
after learning the elusive 'mcrib' was back at mcdonalds, i felt it was time to answer some questions i have re the flavour and general mcrib experience. i have been growing less and less fond of barbecue sauce since i was in middle school (not sure what the exact event was that caused this). the last time i remember consuming ribs was at an applebees with my grandparents in 2001 and even though i am certain that there was bbq sauce on said ribs, the flavour of those ribs and my current experiences with bbq sauce do not match up. i would like to clarify my taste towards ribs and bbq sauce generally, and felt that this was a good way to do so
the first step was to go into a mcdonalds and purchase said sandwich
i try to avoid mcdonalds usually because i find most depressing and i would like to avoid binge eating there weekly like i did in the winter of last year. there is a group of large looking men standing near the counter and i feel apprehensive about approaching
i order my sandwich and while waiting i notice a woman masturbating outside the washroom. the cashier hands me my order and i run home in the rain so it doesn't get cold
next i smoke 2 joints because i feel like i can appreciate the various 'notes' of the sandwich better while stoned. the box itself has pork and barbecue related imagery covering it, including an outline of a pig on a blackboard and a scoop of what could be flour or cocaine
appearance: the bun has tiny granules of what appear to be cornmeal and looks similar to a hotdog bun that has been folded open. the sandwich contains pickles, onions, pork and barbecue sauce. this is the only oblong sandwich that mcdonalds offers. they order in specific buns to fit the shape of the meat
first bite: the meat itself is ~.50cm thicker than i expected it to be... flavour is heavy, very barbecue-y and overshadowed by the gratuitous amount of onions. there are two pickles on the sandwich in total but i feel there should be at least ~7. my fingers are covered in barbecue sauce already. the meat is very sponge like, almost porous
mid-way: i think this would go well with french fries and i wish i had bought some. the burp i just had tasted ~30% better than the sandwich. i'm stoned enough that i am enjoying the act of eating but not necessarily the actual food
i just realized i am using an old pizza box as a plate, seems depressing
i feel sort of sick now, the graininess of the top bun feels unnatural and unnecessary
i have thought 'i need a smoothie' multiple times while eating this
final bite: my stomach feels unnaturally bloated, which makes me nervous about having to poop later/possibly throwing up. this sandwich has solidified my distate for barbecue sauce. i am still unsure how i feel re rib meat as this does not feel like an accurate representation of what rib meat is usually like
if i were to give the mcrib a rating i would give it a 4/10. i learned recently that it only goes on sale when pork prices are at their lowest, and while this doesn't necessarily mean the meat is lower quality, it still somehow feels dirtier and more 'bad for you'. i would say the cornmeal on top of the bun, coupled with the foamy feel of the meat makes for an unpleasant but manageable overall texture. the lack of pickles contributed to the poor flavour, however with at least 7 pickles and -50% of the onions i feel like the flavour would have been greatly improved. if the sauce was maybe a mix of sweet and sour sauce and sriracha i would have rated it at least a 7/10
the mcrib would be a great halloween costume or household mop
i went to the gym tonight but i only really exercised for a half hour
my blood feels acidic
i just googled 'my blood feels acidic'
found 100+ articles re 'eliminating acidity from the body'
i feel lonely ~95% of the time, but i distract myself with food, internet, netflix, exercise
it seems like everybody on earth is pretty lonely and our existence on earth is primarily spent thinking of ways to be less lonely
do dolphins form relationships solely out of need? i read somewhere that dolphins are the only other species that have sex for pleasure and not just to procreate. maybe dolphin relationships are also formed out of pleasure and not need.
i usually assume every attractive person i see is gay, because it makes everything a lot easier to process
tonight i heard someone's home phone ring in their apartment and felt surprised
have been repeating 'snicker doodle donut' to myself for the past ~20 minutes
i told myself the past two days that i would leave the house at some point to go to the gym but i haven't yet.
tomorrow is monday. i will go to lecture and not listen and watch youtube videos and tweet at celebrities.
why do we as humans expect that things will work in our favor? it seems borderline insane to think this. there are so many circumstances that we should be factoring in during daily activities. why do things ever go 'according to plan'? i guess there is a difference between things going 'well' and 'according to plan.'
the globe and mail published an article saying the students at my school are more depressed/anxious statistically than at other schools
apparently more people have contemplated suicide at my school than other schools
i am not surprised by this fact, but i am not sure how i feel about it
it makes me sad to think that there are people who will never form close friendships
when i wake up i usually think it is much later/earlier than it is
i probably smoke too much pot
i think i accidentally hit on someone last night. we met at my friends house, and i immediately noticed that she looked like katie chang from 'the bling ring'. i didn't point this out until ~20 minutes after i had already begun drinking, and when i said something she looked at me like i was drunk. i tried to find a photo of katie chang on the internet but it took a long time because i couldn't remember her name.
after about 5 minutes of searching i found a photo, held my phone up to her face and said 'this. this is her. do you see it?'. she said 'oh. i don't know, sort of i guess.'
i wish everybody was naked all the time
not like on a nudist colony, just any time spent indoors or if it's nice outside would be spent naked.
i would sleep in a coffin if one was readily available
tonight i went to see 'gravity' starring sandra bullock with clara. we got coffee from mcdonalds and then smoked pot out of a pipe outside the theatre. while we were smoking a security guard came up to us, said 'excuse me' and then walked past us, scanned a barcode on the concrete wall next to us and then walked away. i immediately thought 'phew, that was a close one.' but didn't say anything. i cried multiple times during 'gravity', and kept thinking 'pussy! pussy! you're a pussy!'
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