i avoid writing daily because i don't do enough that warrants documentation
this seems easy to fix but i am unmotivated and my life cycles between pushing myself to wake up early to 'create things' and staying in bed until 4pm drinking smoothies and listening to boiler room sets while wishing i was 'that talented'

i have to make a conscious effort to create things continually because i am so easily distracted with the internet. the semester is almost over and i feel like i have accomplished nothing, but i'm not surprised because i anticipated that happening when i chose to return to school

i have had to 'reject' multiple people in the past two weeks

arthur and i did mdma and went to the aquarium. we bought fruit after we took the mdma and ate it while watching sharks and fish swim complacently in circles. i had fun the whole time, and there was never a break in conversation which seems rare. after the aquarium we went to the liquor store and bought wine. then we went to my apartment and looked at things on the internet while listening to mixes. he asked if i wanted to do more mdma and i did, so we 'parachuted' it--but as soon as we did i went to the bathroom and threw up. i felt sick immediately after and continued to for the rest of the night. i'm not sure why i felt like i should take more mdma as i know i don't respond well to multiple doses. we took the subway to a 'secret' party in an art space downtown and i threw up in a garbage can on the way there. when we arrived i still felt sick/overwhelmed by my surroundings. we shared a cigarette in the 'smoking room' because we weren't allowed to leave the party for some reason. i told him i needed to leave because i still felt sick, and he seemed upset. we hugged for ~5 seconds and then transitioned into what i felt was an awkward kiss (esp since i had recently thrown up). i felt irritated that he didn't pay for my ticket to the aquarium/fruit/show, but tried to balance this with his providing of the drugs. i tried to develop romantic feelings for him but i wasn't able to