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i constantly tell myself i have 'serious problems' with my jaw

i can only open it about 1/2 way i think

sometimes a little more if i move it around with my hands

it hurts most of the time

it is sometimes difficult to eat because of this

i feel like i sound elderly

~90% of the work i do for school, professional, or otherwise is done in a last minute panic

sometimes i feel genuine amazement that people think my work is 'good' or 'interesting'

i am in a gmail relationship with someone i met on okcupid

he started talking to me because we like the same authors, and he liked my photos

we've exchanged ~23 emails so far which vary in topic

we are meeting up next weekend to do mdma and go to the aquarium

every time i see an upright beer bottle on the street i assume it is full of pee

halloween was boring and depressing

i went to 2 parties, both of them felt like they were 'high school' parties and i contemplated suicide

i want to crawl inside of myself and live there for ~120 years

i want to grow my fingernails and sharpen them into knives



what did we do before internet and tv

what did we do before cars and airplanes

i can't fall asleep

i feel like i'm dying

i know i'm not actually dying but it definitely feels like i am at this moment

my chest hurts

that might be because i ate all the salt at the bottom of a bag of pretzels

i am often conflicted re feeling like a hypochondriac and fear of feeling like a hypochondriac when i'm actually experiencing some detrimental health 'episode'

i had an 'episode' on the subway 2 weeks ago

i was very stoned and coming home on the subway after finding out my friend mandalyn missed her train home and went to my apartment. i was standing and holding on to the metal bar when my left arm started hurting. i brushed it off as 'misplaced sensory input' but it didn't go away. it spread to my left arm and my chest, and i felt like i was going to pass out.

i think the scariest part of this story is that when i called out for someone to press the yellow 'emergency' button, it took about ~7 tries before anyone responded to me



there are probably less than ~2 writing things i have done in my life that i haven't looked back on and vehemently disliked/felt embarrassed by

i can feel myself gaining weight but i'm not doing anything to stop it

i feel like that is a common symptom of depression

i know i am depressed but i'm not doing anything to stop it

i rarely buy groceries

my refrigerator has contained basically the same things for the past ~1.5 months

contents of my refrigerator:

--tupperware container of israeli salad
--1 litre milk which i have left out overnight twice
--aluminum baking pan of barbecue chicken given to me buy my aunt
--coconut water
--coconut milk
--coconut oil
--berry smoothie
--bowl of cooked rice
--bottle of green tea
--2 cans of beer
--water bottle of gin and coconut water
--coffee mug of blue raspberry sour puss
--garlic hummus

you either run out of chips first or salsa, but never both at the same time; fucked up

i get angry when people tell me my nose is 'beautiful' and 'unique'

i try not to express my anger because i don't want to explain it but i usually do anyway

i have wanted a nose job since i was 11-12 and will probably always want one

last year i made a giant x-acto knife out of cardboard for my sculpture class

i felt ok about it



sometimes on my walk home i blur my eyes

i feel like this makes things look more appealing somehow

it's a ~7 minute walk but it feels shorter if i do the eye thing

i feel like everyone i know is depressed, but only some of them are aware of it or are ok with talking about it

today i met with my friend clara at a 'warehouse sale' hosted by american apparel. i got there before her so i walked around and looked at things. all of the clothes seemed cheaply made and i kept thinking 'slave labor' as i picked up tank tops. it was probably ~25 degrees inside the warehouse and i was wearing a t-shirt, wool sweater, and a winter jacket. i picked up 5 items from around the store, stood beside a rack of sweat pants, and then put all of the items on the sweat pants rack and walked away.

when erica got there we walked around more. i felt irritated by everything she said, but tried not to convey my feelings externally. i attributed my feeling irritated to the temperature of the store. i bought 2 different nail polishes that cost $6 each and clara didn't buy anything. when we left the store clara said 'i can't believe they didn't notice i stole this sweater.' i also didn't notice she stole the sweater that she was wearing, so i just nodded and said 'yeah, me neither.'

tomorrow is halloween

i didn't know what to wear for a costume so i just bought a mask that resembles a cat

i don't know what i am going to do for 'halloween festivities'

i have class until 9:30pm

maybe i will go to class with my cat mask

no maybe not


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