new york city, as a premise, seems insane. the moment i arrived here i felt extremely 'at home' which, while expected, felt bizarre because i have never been here before. everyone here seems to be "turned up to 11" at all times. there is also a very distinct disposition carried by everyone here in manhattan especially. people feel the need to make eye contact and acknowledge each other's presence, which is something i am in no way accustomed to. since my arrival on monday i haven't done much other than walk around and look at things, eat food in various locations and search for free wifi. i prepared for my trip here by compiling a list of extremely unrealistic experiences and interactions  i was certain i would have, starting with 'having meetings'

i have been telling everyone that i have 'meetings' to go to while i am in new york, which really is not the case and doesn't even make sense. i contacted a few people on facebook that i admire, most of which i believe are or could be, in the near future, attracted to me. i feel depressed re not having sex for the past 1.5 months, which, now that i am looking at it typed on my computer screen does not seem like a long time at all. my feelings of loneliness seem more magnified because i have spent almost all of my time in new york alone

i have been texting richard, a fairly successful web artist and 'entrepreneur' that i have known since 2010. we met on a website he created that was dedicated to remixing images, text, pop culture iconography etc. the site was used mostly by emerging web artists, and in many ways was a catalyst for all of the new media art that is being produced currently. i feel like he recently tweeted something along the lines of 'someone should really write a book about this website....' and then something else but i forget

there were a few more people i was hoping to meet with: a writer, a musician, a psuedo-socialite painter; but i am starting to feel like i might not meet any of them. i want all of these people to like me but i don't know why. keep thinking 'networking, networking'... not sure what that means really

i posted a song to the internet that i made with my friend gregory for my birthday; it has been well received but something about it bothers me. something about my birthday bothered me too. my mother 'surprised' me by taking my sister and i to see a play starring bryan cranston which she knew i had no interest in at all. she made us wait outside for half an hour to get his autograph, and eventually i just walked away and took a train to chelsea to meet people

the people i met with were not interesting or 'fun'

i want to have 'fun'

i don't know how

i have been alive for 20 years... twenty years.... that seems totally fucked