i constantly tell myself i have 'serious problems' with my jaw

i can only open it about 1/2 way i think

sometimes a little more if i move it around with my hands

it hurts most of the time

it is sometimes difficult to eat because of this

i feel like i sound elderly

~90% of the work i do for school, professional, or otherwise is done in a last minute panic

sometimes i feel genuine amazement that people think my work is 'good' or 'interesting'

i am in a gmail relationship with someone i met on okcupid

he started talking to me because we like the same authors, and he liked my photos

we've exchanged ~23 emails so far which vary in topic

we are meeting up next weekend to do mdma and go to the aquarium

every time i see an upright beer bottle on the street i assume it is full of pee


halloween was boring and depressing

i went to 2 parties, both of them felt like they were 'high school' parties and i contemplated suicide




i want to crawl inside of myself and live there for ~120 years

i want to grow my fingernails and sharpen them into knives

what did we do before internet and tv

what did we do before cars and airplanes

there are probably less than ~2 writing things i have done in my life that i haven't looked back on and vehemently disliked/felt embarrassed by

i can feel myself gaining weight but i'm not doing anything to stop it

i feel like that is a common symptom of depression

i know i am depressed but i'm not doing anything to stop it

i rarely buy groceries

my refrigerator has contained basically the same things for the past ~1.5 months

contents of my refrigerator:

--tupperware container of israeli salad
--1 litre milk which i have left out overnight twice
--aluminum baking pan of barbecue chicken given to me buy my aunt
--kale
--coconut water
--coconut milk
--coconut oil
--coconut
--berry smoothie
--eggs
--bowl of cooked rice
--bottle of green tea
--2 cans of beer
--water bottle of gin and coconut water
--coffee mug of blue raspberry sour puss
--garlic hummus

you either run out of chips first or salsa, but never both at the same time; fucked up

i get angry when people tell me my nose is 'beautiful' and 'unique'

i try not to express my anger because i don't want to explain it but i usually do anyway

i have wanted a nose job since i was 11-12 and will probably always want one

last year i made a giant x-acto knife out of cardboard for my sculpture class

i felt ok about it

sometimes on my walk home i blur my eyes

i feel like this makes things look more appealing somehow

it's a ~7 minute walk but it feels shorter if i do the eye thing

i feel like everyone i know is depressed, but only some of them are aware of it or are ok with talking about it

today i met with my friend clara at a 'warehouse sale' hosted by american apparel. i got there before her so i walked around and looked at things. all of the clothes seemed cheaply made and i kept thinking 'slave labor' as i picked up tank tops. it was probably ~25 degrees inside the warehouse and i was wearing a t-shirt, wool sweater, and a winter jacket. i picked up 5 items from around the store, stood beside a rack of sweat pants, and then put all of the items on the sweat pants rack and walked away.

when erica got there we walked around more. i felt irritated by everything she said, but tried not to convey my feelings externally. i attributed my feeling irritated to the temperature of the store. i bought 2 different nail polishes that cost $6 each and clara didn't buy anything. when we left the store clara said 'i can't believe they didn't notice i stole this sweater.' i also didn't notice she stole the sweater that she was wearing, so i just nodded and said 'yeah, me neither.'

tomorrow is halloween

i didn't know what to wear for a costume so i just bought a mask that resembles a cat

i don't know what i am going to do for 'halloween festivities'

i have class until 9:30pm

maybe i will go to class with my cat mask

no maybe not